Last Saturday evening, a fundraising event titled Enhancing the Future of the Entire World Through Innovation and Engineering Solutions (ETFOTEWTIAES) was held at the Colorado Convention Center. Researchers hoped to solicit donations from some major benefactors. “I was really moved by the scientists trying to give millions of Africans clean water, but I think I’m going to throw my money at a cool hover chair,” said trust-fund baby John Mannheim. “I don’t really remember what the other presentations were after my fourth glass of wine.” Saying his cushy life has made it hard to relate to people without clean water, Mannheim plans to buy a hover chair as soon as it becomes available. The organizing committee of this event released a contradictory report thanking the benefactors for their continued support but added that donors “should consider that our program’s main purpose is to solve major world problems.” Sources later confirmed that the committee plans to remove research projects unrelated to pressing world issues from the night’s lineup.