Jacob Lew, the current United States Secretary of Treasury, made a controversial response on Saturday to the U.S.’s $17.8 trillion debt. “I did what I had to do,” stated Lew. What he “had to do” turned out to be removing the current monetary system of dollars and replacing it with a new goldfish based system. “In the new system, Classic Cheddar flavored Goldfish will be equivalent to one dollar, Jalapeño to $5, White Cheddar to ten dollars, Pretzel to $50, and Flavor Blasted to $100,” said Lew. When asked for reasoning behind this decision, Lew told reporters this: “We don’t have enough money right now. But you know what we do have, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers. If we just change all of our currency to Goldfish, we are instantly brought out of debt, right?” The uncertainty in his voice on that comment was clear to all that listened in. Although not completely confirmed, some sources have claimed to have seen Lew meeting with Goldfish representatives in back alleys and receiving what looked to be Grab & Go Goldfish Snack containers. It is unclear at this time whether or not Lew is taking bribes, but these unconfirmed sources seem to point in that direction. It is worth noting that with this new form of currency, Pepperidge Farm will hold the most wealth in the nation due to their Goldfish production factories.