North Pole Colorado Springs— After receiving an anonymous tip from my little cousin that Santa had a workshop hidden in the woods near the base of Pike’s Peak, we sent a team down to investigate. Upon arriving at the scene, we discovered a Christmas-themed amusement park, obviously a cover for his workshop. The rides were fairly amusing but we found a majority of them to be elf-size only. Average ferris wheel, above average sleigh zip line. So I’d give the amusement park a solid 8.56 out of 13. But what we found out through meticulous investigation is that Santa first opened his workshop, or should I say sweatshop, in 1955.

Following the Great Elf uprising of 1949, Santa looked to outsource his toy production to a location far from the icy politics of the North Pole. Finding the minimum wage set by the Fair Labor Standards Act in America at twenty five cents per hour to be too much, Santa built the amusement park to distract and amuse federal inspectors trying to shut down his sweatshops. We tried to ascertain the entrance to the sweatshop when we stumbled upon Santa’s funnel cake shop. A massive amount of golden funnel cake for a reasonable price, 11.4 out of 9.

Resuming our investigation, we took turns licking the ever-frozen North Pole to taste that yes, the tears and sweat of Santa’s midget laborers are kept frozen by Santa’s cold heart. We set out to find this jolly old bastard. But then we saw the shooting gallery. Fun for the whole family, especially your racist uncle who goes to the Yukon to hunt elk every two years with his “partners in crime” from his “glory days” in college. 47 out of 56.

We eventually found Santa in his cabin but the rather burly elf guarding the door demanded five dollars to speak with him and even get our picture taken with him! Too steep of a price for us, we went home, our heads hung low. I guess we’ll never know the true meaning of Christmas.